Posted by: sternenfeeinflorida | 17 February 2009

When did men become disposable?

First of all, let me say this: I’ve always liked men, enjoyed them although in the beginning I was less than successful to convince them that I’d do them good. Well, eventually I got one and kept him for a year and a half. Once I had this boyfriend things started to change. It seemed as if men (really boys back then) started to notice me. Was it that I finally had sex? Did that change something? I really don’t know… but eventually that boyfriend of mine had to go. There was so much choice out there, like a box of chocolates, and I couldn’t decide which chocolate to pick next.

It wasn’t smooth sailing, always trying to keep up with the demands society makes on girls and boyfriends but the times spent between boyfriends were always short. Granted, the time a boyfriend lasted was quite short, too. Usually it ended by him not calling me anymore. In my teens that was cause of a lot of heartache.

Once I started college, there was a whole new range of men out there but looking at my friends and their boyfriends, a part of me felt pressured to start looking for “the one” as well. I turned this stone and that, kissed this frog and that but never found my prince. What I gained though, was experience and that a one night stand can be quite fun, too.

Eventually though, I did find someone I thought was “the one”, married him, left my home country to live with him and was faithful. Marriage came with one huge disadvantage, though: My sex life was pretty much non-existent for the entire length of my marriage. It lasted for 7 years and it took some time to convince myself that it’d be best for me to end it. After all, I always believed in marriage. Just not like that. My husband had told me that should I ever cheat on him, the marriage would be irrevocably over. For me this sounded like the only way out, I knew he loved me and would always try to reconcile, although I was long done with the relationship. About a month or so before I finally broke up with him, I met this guy at the pool of our complex. Boy, was he cute! We hung out together the entire day we first met and met up again the days after. On our 3rd day together, I think, I had to accompany my husband to a birthday party. I managed to sneak to the pool before we had to leave and meet my new guy. We swam, we talked and when it was time to leave, we almost kissed. Almost. Instead we hugged. I went to the birthday party and texted him all evening. The next evening we met at the pool again and we kissed. It felt so good and considering his age, he was a very good lover, too. Unfortunately we met only once after that. Not that I had wanted a serious relationship with him, I just wanted a boy toy. Maybe he was too young to understand that or it was something he didn’t want at all.

Not long after that episode, I met someone else on facebook. I was immediately taken by his wit and humor and we decided to meet. He lived in a different city, so I had to come up with a story for my husband why I had to be out of town all of a sudden for a weekend. Things with that guy went well, I liked him a lot, he liked me. 2 weeks after that, I told my husband it was over and there wouldn’t be any second chances issued. For 3 months, this guy and I met almost every weekend. Whenever we couldn’t meet up, I met other guys. I met them once, had fun and let them go. After Thanksgiving though, things changed and I felt as if I was being played but didn’t know the rules. Granted, Christmas is a family holiday and he might not have wanted me there. At the same time though, he knew I would be home alone, without family. New Year’s I spent with someone else and had tremendous fun.

Shortly before the Superbowl though, I confronted him and asked what was going on, that I didn’t like the game and would quit. He told me he didn’t want a serious relationship, wasn’t ready for one. It was as if a huge load had been lifted off of my shoulders and I felt free. For the first time in years I was free! Free to do what I’d like without the tiniest bit of guilt.

I think that’s when men truly became disposable. When my feelings wouldn’t be hurt anymore if I didn’t hear from them again. Sure, I still feel sad when they just disappear but I know that there’s always another one to have fun with.

Although I’m sure I’ll get back to serious dating eventually, I doubt I’ll change my approach. I have upped the ante for any serious man… but that’s another story.

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