Posted by: sternenfeeinflorida | 2 August 2009

Time seems to fly by

Wow, it’s August already, how did this happen & where was I? I cannot believe that this year has been going by as fast as it has, so much has happened and yet so little has changed.
I’m still waiting on my much-deserved divorce, we’ve been separated for 11 months now and Florida doesn’t even require a year of separation. I cannot wait for this to finally happen, to finally be able to really move on, to claim my maiden name back. I have been waiting for this for the past 11 months, ever since I broke up with him and yes, the separation has proven difficult and painful for both of us but I never regretted it. The longer this is dragging on, the more I am convinced that I made the right decision. So while this is dragging on, no real changes in sight in the near future, other things in my life have changed and all those changes have been positive. I have already blogged about some of them and another big piece to this puzzle of my life is my own apartment. For the first time in my life, I have my own place. Granted, I am renting the apartment but I live alone, I come home and I don’t have to put up with anybody. Peace & quiet greet me. I truly enjoy this.
Another change I made, and I’m still getting looked at funny for it, is that I got rid of the TV. Yes, I did get the question a lot why I did it and how on earth would I ever survive… the truth is: I don’t even really have time to watch TV, if I turn it on only for background noise, I don’t need it, I can just listen to the radio, which can be just as fine for noise and on top of it, it tends to be informative. If I’m longing for entertainment, again, there’s the radio or I can always choose to listen to an audio book. I like audio books, they allow me to listen to a story while relaxing and I can still envision my own settings, the people look the way I want them to look, with the author’s guidance, of course.
I’m making progress in school as well (have I really been doing this for the past 5 months already?) but I’m not sure I will ever lose the anxiety, the feeling in my stomach I used to get when I saw a low or even worse, a failing grade. I don’t know when it started exactly but I know it was during my time in law school. I couldn’t pass this one class, no matter what I tried. It didn’t help that the professor didn’t agree with my opinion and I got stuck with him semester after semester. At first I wasn’t too concerned, I knew this would be a tough class and when I failed it the first time, I didn’t think too much of it. Try again & make it better, right? Well, I tried again the next semester, then again the semester after that, then I started to write my papers but never went back to pick them up to find out my grade. I just kept writing them, handing them in but never picking them up. I was so afraid to have failed again, I started doing the same in other classes to the point where I was just writing paper after paper but never going back to find out my grade. I thought that I would’ve conquered this anxiety, this fear of failure by now but apparently I didn’t. If I didn’t have to log into my college’s website every day for attendance purposes, I probably wouldn’t ever check my grades for fear of failure. This way however, I am forced to look at my grades and by all means, they are no reason for me to be afraid of failure. But even so, this failure persists and honestly, I’m not sure I’ll ever get over it.

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