Posted by: sternenfeeinflorida | 13 November 2009

Moving along, searching

Sometimes we initiate change; sometimes it seems to just happen to us. I did initiate a lot of changes within the past year and although it sometimes seems as if I’m not moving forward, I know that I actually am.
On the other hand, quite a few changes just seemed to happen to me. When I moved into my new apartment, I envisioned it as my sanctuary, a place filled with positive energy that I can use to recharge my mental batteries. I have never been able to make this place my own. Instead, I feel rather homeless. I need time to connect with my apartment, to feel it and to create spaces that will allow me to relax. I would need time to re-arrange a few things, to really clean up and put everything in its proper place. I need my apartment to be a place that allows me to collect my thoughts and evaluate everything that’s going on in my life, making sure that the decisions I make are good. How much would I like to wake up on a weekend and know that, homework aside, I don’t have to do anything. How much would I like to enjoy my apartment, the tranquility it spreads. Not having a TV was supposed to be the first step to a quieter life, a life focused around peace. I need this environment to be happy. I wanted to focus on healthy eating and exercise again, something that had gotten lost in the months following the separation from my ex-husband. Turmoil and stress took over for a long time instead. This was the total opposite of what I needed. Tranquility, peace, solitude have often been the cornerstones of my life. The more time I spend around other people, the more time I need to spend by myself to de-stress, to find my inner peace again.
Many people are amazed by my online interactions. They don’t realize or understand (I don’t think they even thought about it) that this is about all I can commit to as far as contact with other people goes. I cannot understand most of their expectations, their rituals. Interacting with people online gives me the space and control I need. I can always turn the computer off when I don’t feel like talking to anyone. On the other hand, I know that someone will be there when I need some company.
Instead, I have not been able to be home enough to make my apartment my own. Weeknights are simply not enough time to do everything that is required and the weekends have been filled with travel. I have had to find this inner peace while I was driving, during the minutes I was truly able to relax. Although I could blame my relationship on this, it is not really the cause. While it is true that without this relationship I wouldn’t have to travel, I am doing much better with it. Of course I could cut the travel in half but I don’t do myself a favor with it. I can relax with him next to me but not when I’m limited to seeing him on the computer. An intense hug, some affection will allow me to access my inner peace. He does not have any unreasonable expectations of me, seems to accept me for who I am. This allows me to be myself and even retreat into myself if I need to… as long as he’s there to lean on.
Together we decided that we would both benefit if we combined our households in the foreseeable future. A lot of traveling will become obsolete and we’ll be able to find peace together. There are still unpacked boxes in my apartment and I don’t think they will be unpacked just yet. They may have to wait until I move again and hopefully this next place will be able to offer me the peace and positive energy I need. Hopefully the next place will be a place I can call home.

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