Posted by: sternenfeeinflorida | 22 November 2009

I should be sleeping…

Yeah, I really should be sleeping but instead I’m still up, still thinking. What a day home alone can do to you… all of a sudden I have time to think, just think whatever comes to my mind and I did a lot of this today. I have been so busy lately that I haven’t had time to let my mind roam wherever it wants to. I have been so busy taking care of different things, driving here, driving there, always on the run, always something to do. Granted, homework doesn’t help. But now, I finally had time for myself today. I didn’t do all that much because, you guessed it, I have homework to do.
Even so, I realized that I wish someone very close to me would continue his blog. He started writing about himself but stopped at the end of February. He still continues his blog, he’s just not writing about himself anymore. I know I could just get back into the habit of asking questions like I did when we met but back then we were “just” strangers. For some reason it was easier back then.
I would also like to be more committed to my own blog. Hey, my life may be boring in your eyes, but nobody forces you to read my blog, so there. There’s enough going on in my life that I could write about but usually I don’t have the time or anything to write. That’s when ideas fade and become unimportant because other issues or events took their place.
Sometimes I really wonder about the whys in my life…
Why do I have to constantly be on the move? Granted, I can live in one place for a while but then, suddenly, I need to move to another place. Another country, another state, another city. Just out.
Why do I get stuck with all these crappy diseases, none of which are my fault! I didn’t sign up to be allergic to so many different things and so severe that my dream job was out of the question before I could even try it. Neither did I sign up for multiple sclerosis, while it’s really not a severe case, everyone freaks out when they hear it and envision me in a wheelchair within a few years, unable to care for myself. That’s really not the case and I’ll do my best to not let it happen, even if my health insurance keeps denying me the meds I need in an attempt to prevent relapses. There are other ways to stay healthy, too and all they require is discipline and commitment. Or those stupid annoying hives that have been bothering me for over a year now and they are still coming back night after night, varying in severity. I don’t even know what causes them. Obviously, or I’d have taken measures against them a long time ago. I really hope the allergist has a solution for me and meds that work.
And why in the world am I always so tired? There has to be another reason for it, too. I accepted the hypersomnolence diagnosis for as long as it lasted but I don’t believe that’s it. Lately the wakefulness promoting pills seem to make me even more tired.
Why is it that my mind and my body can never be on the same page? A year ago, when I was slowly moving into the worst experiences of my life yet, my body was doing great. My weight was right, I looked good but my mind was deeply distraught, unhappy, stressed. Right now, it’s the opposite way, my mind is happy (for the most part) but my body is in really bad shape. I’m overweight and although I tried to cut out food almost entirely for days and keep it to a minimum on others, I don’t lose any weight. Being tired doesn’t help me to exercise to the extent I did earlier last year… or exercise at all.
My current college class though, is interesting and I have a lot of fun learning and evaluating different types of art. I finished one assignment today and have one more to write tomorrow. I found an outline template I can use for my essays and it has proven to be very helpful. I just need to work out how to put in my references right away, so I don’t have to add them afterwards, a huge waste of time having to go back & try to find out where the references came from.
Anyway, I’m really tired now and should be able to sleep. I haven’t been up this late in quite a few weeks. Wow.


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