Posted by: sternenfeeinflorida | 2 April 2010

So sick

I realize that my life is a result of my decisions. I have failed. Every decision I have made was wrong. I feel like such a failure.

I am sick of being fat, so sick of it. Of course it’s my decision what I eat, how much I eat. Wrong decisions every time. Need to stop eating. Food is bad, really, really bad. Food makes me fat.

I’m sick of my body fighting me. Yes, my body hates me. Whatever I do, my body finds a way to hate me even more. Allergies, asthma, hives, multiple sclerosis, what is next? What decisions I made to deserve this hate, I do not know. I just know I made the wrong decisions.

I live in a country that does not appreciate me. Hell, I can’t even change my name. Application denied, every time. Yes, moving here was wrong. Another wrong decision. Getting married and changing my name was wrong. Wrong decision again.

I gave up a good-paying job with excellent benefits to move to a place, supposedly warm all year round. Now I can hardly pay my bills, benefits are almost non-existent. No mention of being able to save anything. Another wrong decision.

I’m spending a lot of time to finally get a college degree. Not sure why, I’m certain that will just be another wrong decision. Another case of too little, too late or simply wrong, I don’t know yet. But as everything else in my life, going back to school was wrong. Waste of money, wrong decision.

My whole life has been a failure, I’m not sure why I keep thinking that I just need to keep going, that maybe some day I will do something right. Who am I kidding? Never will anything be right and good, no matter how hard I try.

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Responses

  1. Dear Sünje,

    If you need a shoulder, give me a call. — There are many things you are really good at, photography being one. You got the eye! — Hang in there, it will get better I am sure of it.
    {{{ Hugs }}}
    HD


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