Posted by: sternenfeeinflorida | 21 April 2010

Crossroads

A thought struck me yesterday, a kind of disconcerting, scary thought. I’m not sure yet how to deal with it, what to do.

It all started when I realized yesterday that I likely lost the necklace my sister had given me when I moved to the US. Aside from being custom-made and one of its kind, it has a deeper meaning. It depicts the bond between us, the bond that connects us, even though we are separated. This is why it is so devastating to me to lose it. I still haven’t found it, and I have no idea where it might be.

I always believed that not only people enter and leave my life & leave their impression, so do things. I receive things, keep them until they are no longer needed and then they disappear.

This lead me to a new question. What if it’s true? What if I no longer need the necklace? What does that mean? The bond between my family and I will always exist, thanks to Skype, we can even see each other. They have a special place in my heard, my sister particularly.

When I moved to the US, I was certain this stay would only be temporary.  I always wanted to move back to Germany. Unlike many others, I like my home. I like the unique people, I like being close to the beach, and even though the weather is often dreadful, I always liked the change of seasons, the unexpected half inch of snow per winter.

Right now, I think I have arrived at a crossroads. I don’t know which way to go, if I should choose a path or let me being lead down one.

For the first time, I feel that I could actually be happy here. Of course some changes still need to happen but I’m working on those. I have found a place that offers everything I have been missing, plus good weather. My family will still be far away but my mom already said that she’d like to stay with me as often as possible. That would be awesome!

I am in the happiest relationship ever, everything is so easy and so many things can be agreed upon with an unspoken mutual understanding. He nourishes my desires for art, shows me new ways to be creative. We share many interests, our dreams are similar. For the first time I can be me, can take care of myself, don’t have to try to keep him in line with my goals. Even though I’m in a relationship, I still feel free.

Even though I don’t need to make a decision right now, I am afraid that the window for my move back to Germany is closing ever so slightly. My grandparents won’t live forever and neither will my parents. My sister is living her own life with kids and so are my friends. I have to admit this is still a strange thought to me. My niece, my friends’ kids are not much more than abstract thoughts to me. I have no feelings for them and this is only partly because I don’t care much for kids. I’m simply missing the connection, I feel like I’m becoming a stranger. The friend, the relative in America, an oddity of normal life.I’m afraid that if I decided to move back eventually, I’d be a stranger.  A stranger in my own country, the place I love so much.

I’m sitting between two chairs, feel as if I have to choose one but not sure that I can. At least not yet.

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Responses

  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Timothy C. Askew. Timothy C. Askew said: @Sternenfee Enjoyed your blog! http://wp.me/pOr3l-Q […]


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